I Know You’re Tired
Shortly after my son was born, I was institutionalized for extreme anxiety, depression and suicidal ideations.
I was so paralyzed within my own body, by my own mind, that I would curl up in the fetal position in a dark closet for hours at a time. When I arrived at the hospital, I found a tiny cubby in my room and curled up in there — it scared my roommate half to death.
My condition crept up on me like a moss on a rock. It slowly engulfed me over many years until I couldn’t remember what I looked like underneath. One day I walked into my room and I couldn’t manage to get in the shower.
“What shoe do I take off first? Should I turn on the water before I get undressed? Is now a good time to be running hot water? What will I wear when I get out? Ugh, I do not want to see myself naked. Could I just shower tomorrow? How many days has it been since I’ve showered? How long have I been standing here? Am I so completely incompetent that I can’t even undress myself for a shower?” All of those thoughts in less than 3 seconds. It was torturous and it didn’t end there.
I couldn’t handle the little decisions in life anymore because it felt like the big decisions of my life were so out of control. I felt like being a single mom was WHO I AM now, but I didn’t want to be either of those things and yet somehow there I was.
After over a week in psych ward, I was released with some relief and strict orders to continue IOP, Intensive Out Patient Therapy. I can confidently say that without that IOP, I wouldn’t be here writing this to you now.
The moderator was like the storybook version of a grandmother who baked cookies from scratch with her own secret recipe. She was a lovely, wise and gentle woman who led the group of us scared, angry and insecure women.
So many things were said and shared in that circle of folding chairs in our rented classroom. There was a lot of growing, a lot of integrating and a lot of love in that circle.
The most impactful thing that our moderator said, the thing that brought me grace until I learned how to beget it for myself was this:
“My heart breaks for the child who was never consoled while crying that they were just tired and everything was going to be okay.”
That’s all. That simple phrase opened my eyes to the true childishness of suffering. It showed me that those of us who are able to see the bigger picture can provide so much comfort to those who don’t by simply treating them with compassion and permission to rest.
My heart breaks for the state of humanity as it stands today, especially in America. We are all so angry, scared and insecure yet rarely can you find a person to simply pat you on the back and say, “it’s all going to be okay.”
Funny thing about parents — we lie. We have NO IDEA that things are going to be okay. We have no idea how, we have no idea when and we certainly have no idea why. All we know is that we have lived long enough to create a new generation for which we must provide and protect.
That doesn’t stop us from calming a crying child with our false hope of alrightness because, I believe, we all innately believe that the innocence of children deserve the grace we can provide them. That sense of alrightness comes only when we’ve been given permission to be not alright so that we may become so.
It’s late, almost 2am. I’ve had another long and crazy day but I can’t seem to fall asleep and I find myself crying for reasons I don’t really understand.
That’s when I heard her voice. Or more rather, my inner child heard her voice.
“It’s okay darling, you’re just tired.”
The heaviness of my day and the feeling that I needed to solve every problem right now just…dissolved. I was okay with just being a tired girl doing her best.
As grown as we all become, our inner children are still alive and well within us, and they are listening. To the hatred we hear in the news, to the self doubt we constantly tell ourselves, to the limiting beliefs that make up our worldview.
I’m here to tell you, they’re tired. They are tired of all the decision making, the judgement calls, the justifications, the information, the burden of understanding our own morality.
That shit is fucking exhausting.
I know you’re tired, and it’s all going to be okay. I promise.
